Time to shut down the broadcast

I have been drugged last time yesterday. That was a cocktail of several drugs. The dose was not high but very noticeable. One of the ingredients was a drug that I’m calling as an ‘angry drug’, one of the side symptoms is irritation and one is sound sensitivity for sounds of certain frequency.

That drug has had two different versions, also version which makes, beside the sounds, also all the colours and forms to look too bright, sharp and coloured. The drug has promised to been shelved first time in July 2015 by the people who, for a reason or another, had an idea that they are good doers.

It hasn’t been shelved.

But that drug doesn’t cause also the problems of sight that I had yesterday evening neither the ‘hang over’ which I’m having right now, the day after. Drug cocktails has been quite usual recently. Not healthy.

I haven’t eaten today yet, but because I was also drugged day before yesterday (different cocktail), I can assume that I’ll still be drugged several times. At the moment I have a cup of coffee next to me. Haven’t taken a sip yet. Don’t know do I.

During these years I have asked direct dialogue from many people involved. I have asked it by written and by spoken, I have asked it directly and indirectly. So far I haven’t gotten it so I’m continuing with my monologue – continuing waiting dialogue and keeping my monologue going on. I have already gotten more reciprocity and honestly than earlier, so I’m positive. Situation is not easy but people are making effort and finding new forms to express themselves.

I don’t personally think that all that has been done during these game could be opened now, maybe never, but I think that the current situation and people’s doings could be improved and it has been improved from the past situations. It is also very necessary. Now I’m not talking just about the leading characters, I’m talking mainly about basic, ordinary people. Solutions hardly ever really lies behind the power.

I have written often about control. I personally don’t like that nowadays so many are ready to take more high level control decisions than low level control decisions. I think that that kind of direction leads to rising amount of control. What I mean by that is that for example a dialogue, if it’s truly honest and sincere by every participants, is not much about control but more about freedom. Freedom of knowledge and openness. But now people are more likely to do high level control, drugging, hiding data, even open violence, than having a pure, naked and honest conversation about themselves.

Everyone involved are having their impact to the situation. That’s why I’m trying my best from my part to be more open everyday. It has become more easy to be more open and direct again now when the amount of drugs and hidden violence and threads toward other people and me has been more decreasing than increasing. It has been decreasing, amount as a whole, even I have kept my mouth open. That’s a good job, thank you all behind that.

I haven’t have ‘normal’ unmanipulated communication or truthful human contacts for more than two years for now because of the project. The people’s project with my life has, as a whole, taken four years for now.

During the years I have asked  people to tell or write down why do they have the project, their own personal reasons in themselves. I haven’t gotten the answer, except from one person – a gesture which I appreciate a lot – he told about himself. The project is not made for true honestly, which makes that gesture even rebellion, which is sort of funny.

Why am I in the project? What are my own reasons? So far I don’t have options, that’s the first reason. Inside the tight limits and borders created by people’s behavior I’m making choices and acting in a way which I consider the less wrong from the options I have inside the project. One is trying to create a possibility for people to not to be other’s projects.

One more of the reasons is to reduce and prevent rising violence and control and try to offer also from my part other options to develop the situation as much as I can, inside the limits made by the other’s and inside the limits of my own skills and values (-> combination, result of interaction, the current freedom in).

Project with my life is used too much also for the intentions which are not good, even there are still people trying to change it, which is and has been important. People are doing good job but I don’t think that keeping the project on would truly effectively support change and new perspectives – at least not giving change for me.

Time to shut down the broadcast and end the project. I’ll continue my monologue here in my blog. It will eventually transform to a truthful face to face dialogue with someone when possible. I’ll write in the future about control and freedom, of course – my usual subjects, but also about sex and love…

Anna

P.S. I took a sip. It’s seems to be clean. Thumps up that I’m right on that.

Epätäydellisyys on tärkeää

Hyvä kirjoittaa välillä omalla äidinkielellä. Olen ollut tyytyväinen, että olen voinut nykyään ilmaista itseäni myös englanniksi kohtuullisella tasolla, omassa mittaristossani hyvin. Olen aikoinaan luullut, että vieraiden kielien oppiminen on ulottumattomissani. Eipäs ole ollutkaan, kun sallin itselleni kielioppivirheet ja hassut sanavalinnat – tarkoituksella tai vahingossa.

Virheiden tekeminen ja omien epätäydellisyyksien salliminen opettaa itselleni tietynlaista ymmärrystä myös – itseä ja muita kohtaan. Sen lisäksi se on usein hauskaa, siis tutkailla omia ‘epätäydellisyyksiään’ – mitä se sitten milloinkin tarkoittaakaan. Olen nauttinut monet sisäiset naurut itsekseni kuluneiden vuosien ja kuukausien aikana, erityisesti tutkiessani omaa alitajuista ilmaisuani.

Käsitys ‘epätäydellisyydestä’ on aina häilyvä ja elää omien käsitysten ja ympäristön vaikutusten ja siitä opitun mukana. Antaminen olla, salliminen, on tärkeää, mutta kaiken salliminen tai hyväksyminen ei kuitenkaan ole itsetarkoitus.

Yksi asioista, joita minun on vaikea hyväksyä on listauksia ihmisideaaleista ja ideaalista elämästä. Ideologiassa, jonka käytössä olen, sellaiset ovat olleet yksi avain intoleranttisuuteen jopa siinä määrin, että ihmiset ovat alkaneet huostaanottaa ideaalien vastaisia tai sellaisiksi väitettyjä ihmisiä. Ihmisiä, jotka eivät vastaa heidän toiveitaan ja/tai maailmankuvaa – epätäydellisyyksiä.

Äärimmillään ideologian nimissä on tieteellisesti määritelty ‘onnettomia’ tai väärällä tavalla onnellisia ihmisiä ja jopa kokonaisia perheitä tai sukuja, jotka ja joiden ympäristö on kuulunut huostaanottaa. Luotu hierarkia ja siihen liittyvä ohjailu on aiheuttanut paljon lieveilmiöitä, joiden parissa moni erityisesti ideologian sisällä pyrkii vaikuttamaan – suuntaan tai toiseen.

On epätodennäköistä, että täydellistä maailmanjärjestystä koskaan luodaan, parempi ehkä. Mutten usko, että sitä tälläkään kertaa historiassa tehtäisiin poistamalla ‘epätäydellisyyksiä’ ihmisistä saati ‘epätäydellisiä’ ihmisiä. Itse en usko ihmisten välisen hierarkian ja intoleranttisuuden lisäämiseen tämänhetkisessä maailmantilanteessa enkä siksi voi sellaista kehityssuuntaa tukea.

Ideologia elää ja muuttuu, mikä on mielestäni hyvä, mutta se on silti rakenteeltaan, periaatteiltaan ja suunnaltaan vahvasti vastoin minun omatuntoani.

Anna

About compromising

By the people in the ideology I have been claimed many times to be a person who doesn’t compromise. Now it’s time to reply for that.

I think that life is quite often about compromising enough but not too much. I’m doing my compromising as much as possible with my own life and body. I think I should not compromise firstly with the other’s lifes, but the most mine. Compromising with the other’s lifes is not ‘staying in the own square’ or respecting other’s ‘squares’.

That’s why it is, for me, more natural to have a hunger strike for everyone’s rights than start to beat the others for everyone’s rights.

That’s why it is, for me, more logical to undress myself naked for everyone’s rights than try to have others naked for everyone’s rights.

That’s also why I cannot accept ideology which is based on people compromising with other’s lifes. I don’t believe that it would lead to things that I consider good in the world.

And when abused persons’ physical self-determination is taken from them, the limit of ‘compromising too much’ has been already much more earlier – from everyone’s point of view I think.

But yes, people should eventually find a solution to cut me outside the system they have created, from every level and stratum, also from all the other levels than just ‘North-Korean level’.

I think that that solution is not about ‘targets not compromising enough or too much’ for the ideology and people in the ideology. Neither that solution should cause much harm for people in the ideology, nowadays, as far as I know. There is also good job done.

I ask to have a direct dialogue about the change and it’s implementation.

How I see it, is that people have done job for cutting victims off from the beginning of the game. It is the time just to take the job done so far to the end. I have been a game for several years front of people’s eyes. It is a mystery why people are accepting it and why they are taking part of it. But I’m glad that there are people who have changed, with their own actions, the game they are playing to be a step more reciprocal and honest.

Now it’s time to start to take the game to the end.

There are and will always be people who don’t share the values and means of the system people have created. People can be part of the ideologies but they should not use other people for it. The system people have created is based on elements, structure and doings which I don’t accept. Personally I think that by accepting I would be compromising too much also with the other’s well-being and understanding.

I ask to have the f2f dialogue about the change with Yerk, if possible. Thank you.

Anna

I urge:
1. Physical (also neurophysical) self-determination for everyone used by the ideology: concrete solution.
2. A clear and simple procedure and tools to deny and report, for people asked to drug people.

About the trust

I’ll write a lot about trust in the future and how I think about being trustworthy or being trusted.

I think that trust is not anything that you could take. It’s something that is given or shared. Trust is an inner picture from the world, the person and/or the situation. Picture is usually based on combination of facts, assumptions and pure believings.

It’s possible to be untrusted and trustworthy or non-trustworthy and trusted at the same time. The other one is what you are. The other one is what the others or you think you are, and what they or you think that is ‘being trustworthy’.

I can say that people cannot trust me being always on time. And when they don’t, it’s probably because I’m not always on time (at least not in their scale). They probably can trust more that I will more likely be late.

In my current situation I can trust that most of the people don’t want to harm people. I think that I can also trust that many of them are ending and will end up to do it anyway because of the manipulation.

And I can trust that there are people who are decreasing manipulation. I trust on that because of their impact in the situation. And I trust on that also because I think I’m one of them. But could I trust on myself in that?

The best way to be trustworthy is to be trustworthy. I prefer usually more to be trustworthy than to be trusted – when necessary and possible to decide between those. Then I can at least trust on myself – to be trustworthy to the others and that way to myself.

But can you trust that I’m trustworthy when I say that I prefer more to be trustworthy to you than be trusted to you? That’s more depending on your trust on what I say. That is more about your picture – based on the combination of facts, assumptions and pure believings.

So, being trusted and being trustworthy and to trust are not the same thing. What would I ask from people is that what ever, do they trust or not and to whom they trust or not, they would do they best to be trustworthy – also and especially when they look at themselves.

Anna

No eating 2

I’m still having hangover. I have tried to eat, corn cakes and fruits. Eating makes hangover worst, even though I think that the food I have eaten now has been clean. Why do I think so? Usually you can recognize drugged food when you eat it and the first symptoms start directly or quite soon after, even though the rest of the symptoms can follow later. It was the same with the muesli bar. I was stupid when I decided to eat it anyway.

Now when I’m eating, the hangover comes with very, very long delay even though it’s related to eating. And it takes a lot of time. But the overall hangover generally doesn’t get worst even I have got a little bit of pains. That’s why I think that I haven’t got more doses after muesli bar even though I don’t know this drug and all it’s effects yet. But I can say that it’s harmful and I don’t think that it’s again just one “accident toxication” in this shit.

I severely ask people to focus on drugging system they have created. System which has promised already been vanished several times before. People in the system are not “good doers” or people who are “spreading happiness” or fixing wrong people or wrong kind of lifes. They are people who are drugging people, druggers. People who are taking orders from people who are wanting them to act such way. And it’s not good.

Orderer’s status or size of a dick doesn’t change it.

Beating the nearest or the most visible orderer doesn’t change anything neither, because that person can be also similar way “taking just orders” or may even have an idea about the greatest ideology in the world or even worst, possible “enemies” of the ideology or anything other. And secondly the system is usually created such way that people would start to beat each others or silence criticisms or focus to do anything else than actually solve the system or to think what they have actually done and why.

I urge:
1. Physical (also neurophysical) self-determination for everyone used by the ideology: concrete solution.
2. A clear and simple procedure and tools to deny and report, for people asked to drug people.

My message is addressed to everyone involved.

Anna

No eating

I have been drugged noxiously 4 days ago. It was put in a muesli bar. I didn’t recognize the drug from before but I can tell it’s no good. Tangy taste in my mouth. Several days hangover going on. My body doesn’t feel good. I have stopped eating since Monday midday.

A few days before I was drugged in a way that my right eye hasn’t recovered from yet. I can recognize that substance from 1,5 years ago. Back then it took a year before my eye was fully recovered after right sided complications of body. This time the dose was significantly less, luckily.

Before those two poisonings (the first one was in two phases, both times in sun flower seeds) I had a few days probably the most covered time I have had at all during last two years and I had possibility to eat a bite everyday, clean food. Felt good, gave hope. Showed that it’s possible. But the game is not good right now.

The drugs which are causing symptoms just to the other side of the body are the worst and more surely causing damage. The most worst have been the drug which destroys memory. After a dose the right ear starts to buzz. Takes time before the left sided headache starts. It goes from left side of the forehead to the back of the head as a line. Later on defecating to pants is not unusual, muscle control fails.

Symptoms will pass but the short term memory will never get back as it was. The days after dose are the hardest. Brains repairs themselves by the time but never fully after each time. That drug was most common in the very end of the year 2015 and months in the beginning of the year 2016. I have got small doses of it also recently.

I’m not on hunger strike because have had twice fresh juice and one hot chocolate during these days. Not everything clean. Eating is not the wisest thing I could do in these times. My life is shit.

But still I have a bit hope left. All this increasing shit tells me that my blogging has hitted hard to the spot and doings that anyway should be brought to the daylight. Thank you for everyone who are working for it too.

I urge:
1. Physical (also neurophysical) self-determination for everyone used by the ideology: concrete solution.
2. A clear and simple procedure and tools to deny and report, for people asked to drug people.

My message is addressed to everyone involved.

Anna

Repetition and iterations

I told before that one of the biggest problems in the ideology is that the drugging and specially the killings with the drugs are not spoken openly in the network. It is not easy to change things which are silenced “not to exist” or are “changed”.

Even physical self-determination has taken away from wrong people to people in a need or want of having hierarchy and control for themselves – for reason or another. No matter the original intentions of every individual, that is the actual result every time so far.

Drugging is one of the extreme phenomenons in the ideology in many ways but most of all because it makes possible to take human lifes when wanted and that does happen and is knowingly done.

Besides that, it seems to make surprisingly huge group of people to think that they can fix their life or picture of world by drugging, fixing or using ‘wrong people’ or ‘wrong kind of living’. People can easily lose their own control with the tasks and control “given” to them and in the end, the result is dead bodies. Especially when extra manipulation involved.

Other fatal problem is too much repetition. When problems of their system are taken to the day light and people realize their direction and what they are doing and what they are part of, most of the people usually deny the situation (which is very human) then part of them freak out for awhile (which is very human too) and then… they make a solution. Solution which sadly ends up to be eventually the very same every time so far. I’m calling it as LfV-syndrome: Let’s fix the victims.

At the moment people are doing almost exactly the same things than four, three and two and one years ago. Now part of people are even repeating the very same phrases and terms for their roles and tasks than 1,5-2 years ago when things went the most far to the direction were almost no one (?) truly wanted to go (?). As a used also in all those times, I can at least say from my own part, that I don’t want that happening and done in this world – neither done to myself nor any other involuntary victim never – neither I would support it.

I do think that change needs iterations, which means several repetitions and learning from repetitions. But the direction has to be right. One thing to decide in the ideology is, do they want to increase equality or not. At least they should not claim to do that when they are doing else.

Other thing to learn is to learn to accept that everyone don’t want to be part of their cause neither used for their needs at all. I don’t believe in their doings neither the system they have created. I’m sure people are able to learn to deal with that fact without any kind of violence to any direction.

Should remember that in this ideology people are making their contracts, experiments and mistakes with human lifes. Other’s lifes, of course. Also the idea of putting identified ‘victims/heroes’ to another positions in the hierarchy, doesn’t fix the system either. It just hides the problems, which is not a good thing. Hidden problems are worst to fix.

With the hunger strikes I’m resisting one of the extreme forms of hierarchy (chemical violence) of the ideology.

I urge:
1. Physical (also neurophysical) self-determination for everyone used by the ideology: concrete solution.
2. A clear and simple procedure and tools to deny and report, for people asked to drug people.

My message is addressed to everyone involved.

Anna

Preparing the next phase of strike

Turning back to the hunger strike day by day, for a very important and valid cause.

Today I have eaten sunflower seeds (thiamine) and small amount of fruit juice. Seeds take time to digest and have a lot of nutrition and could postpone a bit the malnutrition in the beginning of the strike. Thiamine keeps possible for body to produce glucose from the food. If body looses it’s capacity to process food anymore, the strike has gone very far in many levels.

The first days of strike where hardest for the self control. Then the brains started to shut down feelings of hunger and pain but the energy level did go lower and lower every day. It was surprise for me that my body took only 20 days of strike before started failing. Mind would have been stronger. After it took 10 days until end of the constant dizziness, which started from renutrition. The first feelings of hunger took a bit over ten days.

After 20 days I didn’t recognize myself from the mirror. I didn’t fill my clothes. The skin was thing, dry, wrinkled and didn’t have elasticy. Lips where broken. I looked very suffered, tired and old. I’m still skinny. Tits are two bags of skin. And the skin haven’t get back to moistured but stays dry and doesn’t take a lot of showering. But other ways better. I have more energy. But I’m not fully covered and I don’t have fat for the next round – which is not a good thing.

Hunger strike is very hard for body. And I do avoid thinking the starvation state, for sure. It’s commonly used for torturing. So is drugging. Even that kind of drugging that doesn’t leave permanent damage (not my case) is defined as torture in many international contracts – because of it’s nature as an act. And if I personally need to decide I’ll very much prefer hunger strike or even starvation.

Happiness is undrugged life.

I urge:
1. Physical (also neurophysical) self-determination for everyone used by the ideology: concrete solution.
2. A clear and simple procedure and tools to deny and report,  for people asked to drug people.

The message is addressed to everyone involved.

Anna

P.S. Did you know that there are 800 million malnourished humans in this world. I’m looking that number very differently nowadays.

Hunger ‘Strike’, day 27

29.12.2016

I’m writing the word ‘strike’ in quotes. I have continued by relieving the strike after the 20th day of strike (22th of Dec). So, 7 days for now. After the day when I wasn’t able to drink water anymore. It’s seems that 20 days was the limit for my body at this round. And I’m doing this to increase possibilities to stay alive, not the opposite.

Beside glucose, also oats and parsnip has been part of the renutrition because of thiamine. So I have been eating solids too. And I’m, of course, repairing myself for the next hunger strike. I will probably be on the strike earlier that I would like to or my body could take to. It is not a nice game going on.

Relieving the strike got almost to an end at first on Christmas eve, two days after starting the relieving. I was drugged. I mentioned in my latest letter that the relieving the strike is not completely in my hands. It’s actually very directly bound to the doings of people and my possibilities to eat and be.

The work to stop the drugging in generally in the network has been going on two years for now. There are a lot of people who have been working for it and also results have achieved. Still people behind the drug network are able to find people to fool into it.

The biggest problem is that the matter is not spoken openly in the network. Nothing truly is. Specially the killings with the drugs are kept in silence.

In the country I’m coming from and in many other countries, the drugging of people is a crime – for a reason.

Even if the person asking the drugging would have the biggest charm, the greatest academic status or the longest dick in the world, it is not a reason to shut down the mature thinking and start to take any orders to drug people.

Not even in the case if the person would convince about the ideology “which would change the whole world” or about “the new order of the world” or that you would be the “savior” or “good doer” or you would be “increasing the happiness” or that the victims would be any kind of ‘wrong people’ and doesn’t actually have similar rights as you have as an ‘upper person’. – Even then, the drugging is not about equality: It’s about inequality. And it has nothing to do with a better world for involuntary victims.

There are good ideologies in this world but the values should be truly the values which are said aloud, nothing else. And people should try to be ok with the fact that everyone doesn’t convert themselves into their system and cause. I cannot act against my conscience.

I urge:
1. Physical (also neurophysical) self-determination for everyone used by the ideology: concrete solution.
2. A clear and simple procedure and tools to deny and report,  for people asked to drug people.

The message is addressed to everyone involved.

Anna

Syömälakko, 20.pvä – Hunger strike, day 20

Kirjoitettu ja julkaistu jälkikäteen.

Edited and published afterwards.

Kahdeskymmenes päivä nälkälakossa. Aika puhua uudelleen kehoni
voinnista, koska se on tässä kohtaa oleellista.

20th day on hunger strike. Time to tell again how my body is taking the strike.

Tänään 20:nä lakkopäivänä join tuoremehua. Toinen käsivarteni on tulehtunut ja turvonnut (todennäköisesti luteen puremasta) ja toisen rinnan kiinnittäjälihas on myös turvonnut ja arka. Elimistön vastustuskyky alkaa kapinoida aiemmin kuin oletin. Muutoin on inha, mutta ihan kohtuullinen olo suhteessa tilanteeseen. Parempi kuin oletin tässä vaiheessa olevan.

Today, on 2oth day, I drank some fresh juice. My other arm has infected and swallowed (probably from a bed bug bite) and a muscle of my other breast has swallowed too and feels gentle. My body immunity has started to show small signs of first fails sooner than I expected. In otherwise I’m ok enough. Better than I expected to be on a 20th day. Which is good.

Näläntunnetta ei edelleenkään ole, mutta sen sijaan kestojano, vaikka juon vettä. Nyt on tullut kompromissikohta itsensä kanssa keventää nälkälakkoa, sillä vedenjuonnista on tullut vaikeaa. Alan pahoinvoida vesilasillisen jälkeen ja joudun pötköttelemään ja nukkumaan sen yli. Ilman nestettä ihminen kuolee nopeasti. Pieni määrä tuoremehua sen sijaan näytti mahdollistavan vedenjuontiakin taas.

Still I don’t have a feeling of hunger but now I have a constant feeling of thirst. Like being dried from every inch in me. It has become a time to compromise a bit ’cause I cannot drink water very well anymore. After a glass I start to feel like puking up and I need to rest and sleep over it. Without water a human dies in a few days. Instead, a small amount of fresh juice made possible to drink also water.

Olen pyrkinyt tekemään pienen kävelylenkin silloin tällöin. Mieleeni on nykyään kävellessä tullut kerran jos toisenkin nyt jo edesmenneen ystäväni Ennin (90v) sanat, miten päättäjät eivät ymmärrä kuinka paljon rajoittavat vanhusten liikkumista vähentämällä puistonpenkkejä. Ymmärrän nyt konkreettisesti, mitä Enni tarkoitti.

I do short walks every now and then. While my walks I have quite often in my mind the words of an old friend of mine, Enni, who passed away on her nineties. She said that the city planners don’t really know how much they limit physical exercise of the older people by reducing the amount of benches. I can feel you now, Enni.

Muutan huomenna. Taidan tehdä sen taksilla. Onneksi ei ole kuin yksi laukku. Onni on omistaa vähän.

I’ll change the place I’m staying tomorrow. I think I’ll have a cab. It’s good that I have only one bag. Good to own so little.

Vastustan nälkälakolla kemiallista väkivaltaa ideologisessa liikkeessä, jonka käytössä olen. Vaatimukseni ovat:

1. Ideologian käytössä oleville fyysistä (myös neurofyysistä) itsemääräämisoikeutta ja sen takaamista käytännössä.
2. Ihmisille selkeää tapaa ja työkaluja kieltäytyä ja raportoida välittömästi, kun heiltä pyydetään ihmisten huumaamista.

With my hungers strike I’m resisting a chemical violence in an ideological movement I’m used by. I urge:

1. Physical (also neurophysical) self-determination for everyone used by the ideology: concrete solution.
2. A clear and simple procedure and tools to deny and report, for people asked to drug people.

Anna

P.S. Tätä julkaistessa on 23. päivä lakkoa, mutta eilen keitin ja muussasin itselleni perunaa ja vesilasillisessani oli puristettua sitruunaa. Kun mahdollista (ei kokonaan minun käsissäni), keventelen hieman lakkoa ennen kuin jälleen veden varassa. Yllättävän paljon energiaa saa jo perunasta ja tuoremehusta. Käden turvotus on laskenut itsekseen. Kirjoitan parin päivän sisällä lisää.

P.S. At the moment of publishing this it’s already 23th day on a strike. But yesterday I ate a boiled potato and I had a slice of lemon for my water. When possible (not completely in my hands), I try to make the strike a bit of lighter before getting back to the total strike. The swallowed arm has calmed down. Will be writing again in a few days.